angelofmusic07 (angelofmusic07) wrote in mypainexposed,

i am so sorry i havent been posting here at all..i am a bad mod and u all should hate me..

so please dont..:)

i have been extremely busy w/ college stuff (transferring to a new school takes up alot of your time) anyway...heres a quick update for whats been going on w/ me...

things are getting better but my fear of food is still lurking in my presence (sp?) so im trying to cope with dad thinks he has the authority to view all of my records at hampton hospital and w/ my the therapist im at right a matter of fact, im waiting to hear from the hospital about this very topic because i dont want him to have any of this info of father is one to think that there are no boundries for him to live by..and if he feels like he is limited he will throw tantrums and be abusive.....thats just who he is, and yes i hate him for it....but he doesnt wanna change so let him rot in his own misery i guess....just dont take me down too.

I am still anxiously waiting to hear from the hospital because this is important to me, if i dont hear from them within the next 15mins i will call them again..i dont care who i annoy, its my records they have in there and i dont want any of it to be released to anyone..if that means annoying the staff than so be it...

nightmares havent stopped...been having them everynight now, i dont know why....its really scary and because of these disturbing dreams i havent enjoyed a full night's sleep for the past two weeks because i usually wake up 2 or 3 times from a dream panting and shaking...resulting in me staying up for the next hour until i get sleepy again..its so frustrating.

I feel like i have all these problems, that i am just one fucked up human being...i can go on and on about what i am dealing with...what i am trying to get over, what im currently struggling past struggles..its all just a long list and its overwhelming because there are so many different things that i wanna focus on in a single therapy session but its not possible...right now my main focus is struggling to prevent anorexia from entering into my i went through some kind of diagnosis for it but i dont meet much of the criteria which is a huge relief however the state i am in right now could very well lead to it which is scary....

sometimes i wanna just strangle my father....i get so disgusted w/ him alot of the times, how he thinks so highly of himself after treating his family like pure shit....after putting me through so much trauma and he can still think of himself as someone who is Godly...he is truly narcisstic....and i fucking hate him for it.i hate him even more for the fact that he doesnt think he needs help...he thinks he is better than that...well whatever.....but i just wish he was in my position sometimes....then MAYBE he will see how destructive his behaviours are towards his family....
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