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Helping Each Other Through Rough Times [entries|friends|calendar]
A Support Group for people with problems

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December 14th 2009 @ 1:15am]
Alright... Hopefully someone will actually read this, cuz I need all the help and support I can get...
Two days ago [Friday] I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years.
For the past two, he's made me feel so horrible and shitty that I couldn't stand it anymore.
I think any other girl would have left him after he got too trashed at they're own house party and told her he didn't give a fuck, that he would kill her best friend, her best friend's boyfriend [our roomate at the time], kill her and then himself.
I have been completely mind fucked and I'm still feeling the ripples from it.
Granted it's only been two days since I left, but that drunk incident happened almost a year ago.
Not to mention the countless times he was drunk and I said something 'wrong' to set him off... Remember many a times when he would get pissed and try to drive to his dad's house, and me this little 100 lbs girl trying to stop him... I've been thrown down on stairs [on them, not down them] pushed to the ground just for being in his way cuz I was trying to stop him from driving smashed.
I have been told I didn't care enough, didn't love him enough, didn't love him like he loved me...
Been accused of being unfaithful [never was] and been accused of sleeping with quite a few of guy friends.
There's so much more...
All the turmoil he put me through, I still miss him. I still love him. And it KILLS me to think of him with anyone else...
I'm falling apart. God this is so so so hard I just want to rip my heart out and stomp it til it stops beating just so it will die and stop HURTING so freaking much.....

Painfully Exposed [Monday
October 27th 2008 @ 5:33pm]
I'm looking forward reading entries. I've been going through a tough time with my family: separation, divorce, children, etc.  Hopefully, this forum will give me a place do a little venting and get some sense of relief.

potentially triggery game: warning to SA/R*pe victims. [Friday
January 13th 2006 @ 11:46am]

[ mood | exhausted ]

a friend of mine just gave me a link to a game that i feel i should warn everyone about. it's called Dominus Predator-Sim.

details under hereCollapse )

crossposted a lot of places.


New community [Thursday
September 22nd 2005 @ 10:14pm]

I have started a new community,it's a bit of an experiment and I amhoping that it will help people who are so far into the darkness they can find no light. the URL is http://www.livejournal.com/community/nothing_now_/ Please go and check it out and if you feel led post there. Also please share it with anyone and everyone you don't need to be a member to post.
Spread it like a wildfire

August 17th 2005 @ 3:35pm]

Sadly, no one writes in here. Perhaps it's better to just shut this community down.

Ramblings [Friday
July 22nd 2005 @ 4:03am]

Death would be a welcome distraction from this emptiness that's gnawing on my heart. I wish it would end as easily as I left. I left her behind cause she wouldn't love me and thus, I do not feel love. It's nights like this when I wish I was one who needed nobody. Cause I keep getting dissappointed time and time again. Maybe it was all me maybe she couldn't love me cause I'm not capable oif being loved. Destroyed and damaged. SOmetimes it feels like poison and maybe if I could expell it out of my system it would be gone. But it lingers like cancer. Night like this it debilitates me and leaves me in tears wishing I never felt. For all the love in the world doesn't seem worth this pain. Is love just a stupid cruel joke? God loves me cause I give him comic relief. I keep him in stiches as I stumble into pratfall after pratfall. I am convinced that not only does she not love me now she never did. I am convinced that I was a distraction for her pain and I am also convinced that I'd be no good for anyone. Somebody please make it stop I don't want to go back to the hell I clawed my way out of I don't want to feel alone can't you see that I am scared? Is it wrong for a grown man to be afraid of the emptiness that is sucking the life right out of his veins? is there anyone who actually hears what I am saying?
Doesn't anybody care?

July 14th 2005 @ 10:41am]

i am so sorry i havent been posting here at all..i am a bad mod and u all should hate me..

so please dont..:)

i have been extremely busy w/ college stuff (transferring to a new school takes up alot of your time) anyway...heres a quick update for whats been going on w/ me...

Read more...Collapse )

what's wrong with me? [Friday
June 24th 2005 @ 9:05pm]


Ok I want to admit something to you all but do to the nature of the post You have to click here to read itCollapse )


here i am, once again... [Thursday
June 23rd 2005 @ 3:31pm]

...i'm falling into pieces...

Aren't all broken hearted songs the same? Love songs don't mean anything to me either, there are only so many words in any language to describe something.

Everything is better when silent. Words are understood more clearly.

Sit. Wait. And. Watch.

Words should be something you feel, not something you should need to say. Sometimes I wish life was a silent movie. Perhaps there would be less liars.

Proove to me you're crazy [Tuesday
June 21st 2005 @ 7:01am]

I don't have many friends part of that is because I generally hate most people. Most people are ignorant, they don't use half their brain their life is centered around stupid and selfish persuits of power and sex and I just don't understand the mentality. Human beings on the whole suck there are exceptions but the race is still failing to meet it's expectations. Look at us we still judge we still hate we still believe that everyone needs to think and act like we do. When I do make a friend it is not superficial it's a connection that I make on many levels. The few friends I do make I make for life and I don't allow petty disputes to get in the way of that friendship. I don't hold grudges I don't keep score. If you are my friend if I have called you a friend that's not something that will ever ever change. I could be pissed off at you for 2 weeks straight but after I get over my lil tirade or even DURING said tirade if you needed me I'd be there for you. All I ask in return is complete acceptence of who I am quirks and all.

Not long ago a new friend questioned the validity of something that I had told them. I am an open book and I am not afraid of letting people see all that there is about me. This includes the fact that I am autistic. Obviously though being high functioning(and a methoud trained actor) I can hide the autism very well. Most people wouldn't even know I was autistic unless I told them. THis causes some to question the validity of the diagnosis esp[ecually well meaning friends who wish for me to feel better about myself. There have been sevral times in the past when I have heard the words "maybe you're not REALLY autistic" or other variations of the theme. Again I know they mean well but they are making a judgement call after only spending part of their time with me. I am not sure you could get a real gauge of a person's personality make-up from chat conversations and a few phone calls. This statement usually makes way for a very uncomfortable situation in which I feel like I am fighting for the validity of my disorder. I feel as if I am defending my right to be mentially askew as if I were proud of my tainted mind. I'm not proud of being a high functioning autistic with symptoms akeen to aspergers syndrome but I am not ashamed of it either. It is a part of who I am and it has shaped the way I have grown as a person. By trying to rob me of this people are inadvertibly trying to discount the road I have had to travel to get to where I am in my station in life. This bugs me to know end you don't question the validity of an amputee. You never question whether someone is really deaf. SO why when it's a mental disorder that's not as extreme as schizophrenia(sp?) or retardation does it become a fight to defend the disorder. I'm autistic it was a diagnosis made when I was very young and contrary to popular belief it's not something you grow out of whejn you become an adult. I know that the media doesn't like talking about autistic adults but we're here living amongst you some in secret. All with out own distorted quirky way of viewing life.

Being autistic is like living in a box. the box alters the way you see things and the way you judge them. It filters the way you hear things not audibly but in it's inturpitation. Being autistic is like having 7 tape recorders going all at once ewach with different dialouge, being faced with the challenge of deciphering what it is you hear off of each tape cause each contains information that you willl NEED. Autism is a great sense of overwhelment simple conversations, dicisions. situations involving socialibility are not simply part of everyday life. They are isolated moments moments that I have to prepare for, moments that I have to ease into and then moments that I hafve to clense myself from when they are done. ask me how my day is going,,,,,,, which version do you want? I could go on and on but you get the idea. The worst is when you attempt to discribe HOW you are disabled which again without preparation beforhand is very very difficult to do. Then they tell you "well normal people are like that too"

Sometimes I so want to come out of my shell and bask in the sunshine of life but life dissappoints me everytime. Am I better then the rest of the world? no, just different and I am tired of the rest of the world not being able to simply accept that difference.

June 17th 2005 @ 1:30pm]

havent posted here in awhile...hope everyone is doing okay

ive been having some moments these past couple of days..but i just let them pass through, i havent been cutting since my breakdown so thats good..i have had urges but i resisted...however last night i was talking to my mom about the whole divorce thing and we were talking about my dad and stuff..and something triggered and its so weird (for those of you w/ ptsd maybe uve felt this before) but i all of a sudden got this feeling like i was 14 years old again...scared to death, it wasnt a flashback..it wasnt a panic attack..it was just a feeling of being 14 years old again.....i felt exactly how i felt on that day right after he beat me up...it was horrible, it literally felt like it just happened to me and i was scared shitless and i felt so helpless and scared....this moment lasted for about an hour....i was trying to cry but nothing came out, i was walking around not knowing what to do trying to keep busy when all the while my mind and body were both so tense and i was on high alert and the weirdest thing is: my dad doesnt even live with me anymore!!!!!! the divorce is still going on...its been going on for more than a year now....and its horrible, i wish my dad would just settle already and not be so demanding and wanting to drag this on forever....its hurting my mother and its hurting me and its hurting my sister....

anyway, i dont know what that feeling was, ive gotten spurts of it before but it never lasted that long...it finally died down when i decided to take a ride to my friend's house...just the driving itself kind of brought back my mind to the here and now...

has anyone ever felt that before?

... [Sunday
June 12th 2005 @ 6:24pm]

[ mood | frustrated ]

girl stuff alertCollapse )


Stay Gold [Thursday
June 9th 2005 @ 11:56pm]

As I've been thinking bout my brother these timeless lyrics were once again brought to my memory. I thought I would share them with all of you. I want to also thank you ALL for your support you don't really know me and yet you gave. I am affected by this and please know if you need me I'll be here

Stay Gold
( Stevie Wonder )

Cease ... upon the moment of long ago
One breath away and there you will be
So young and carefree again you will see
That place and time
So gold

Still ... away into that way back when
You thought that all would last forever
But like the weather nothing can ever
And be in time
Stay gold

But can it be ... when we can see
So vividly a memory
And yes you say so lost a day
To fade away
And leave a red sun
So gold

Life ... is but a twinkling of an eye
Yet filled with sorrow and compasion
Though not imagined all things that happen
Will age to old
Though gold

Stay gold

6-9-75 [Thursday
June 9th 2005 @ 11:00pm]

Here's to Mike.

Here's to keeping a spirit alive.

Rest well knowing you are remembered.


June 9th 2005 @ 1:43pm]


In loving memory of a brother to Mike...one of our members.

May he rest in peace and God be with him...

In Remembrance [Thursday
June 9th 2005 @ 8:33am]

[ mood | blank ]


Here is to Mike's brother, may he rest in peace.

With all my sympathy,



June 9th 2005 @ 12:38am]

Hello, I just needed to post this here today it's a birthdate from someone who was really important and deserves to be recognized today. He is no longer with us but his energy continues to support those of us who knew him and his legacy continues to remind us of what it means to be loving and to live life without fear and without regret He was my brother and he would've been 30 Please pass the date along to wherever you feel it should be placed along with a message like this :) I want to set the world on fire with his memory today thanx guys Mike

June 8th 2005 @ 4:38pm]

these arguments with my mom has to stop...

i am not perfect, there are things i do in the house to help and there are things that i forget to do..when i forget to do things its not an attack against her...i dont purposefully forget them, i just forget sometimes..and when i forget she hounds on me...then i hound back..then we start screaming, then she tells me to get out...im telling u its a vicious cycle..

there is some validity to her criticism about not doing as much in the house...but its not like i dont do anything...i cook and i run her errands whenever she asks me...when i remember i bring the garbage cans in...i do my own dishes...when asked i change the load in the laundry...so its not like i never do anything....i admit i forget alot, but thats because im not perfect and from time to time im gonna forget to do a couple things...

i am trying as best as i can to do my share...but its like everytime i forget to do something or i dont think of something...it could be one thing or it could be a couple of things...she will get disappointed...and she will criticize me for it...this just discourages me even more...i mean who wants to do anything when the person you do it for is just constantly criticizing you? and when it comes to the things you DO...its not regarded as much as the negative...i mean this would drive any person nuts....

and then whats worse...is that she compares my moods and my temper to my father's....this is inaccurate and heres why...

1. I never look for things to have a tantrum about..i dont blow up over nothing.
2. When i do blow up..i never get physical with anyone...the most damage i have done was break a door from slamming it too hard but thats better than breaking a person right? and its not like i break something everytime..the breaking the door incident was a one time thing..
3. I never directly curse at anyone..when i do curse its not to the person..i just say *every fucking time* *this fucking sucks* *this is fucking ridiculous* *goddammit just leave me alone* one time i said *just leave me the fuck alone* but i never called her any bad words..ever.
4. When I do yell..its a defense mechanism used when someone is yelling at me first...i mean its human nature..when someone yells at you, you are gonna yell back...when someone is putting you down..you are gonna say *fuck this* and walk away...no one wants to sit there while they are being ciriticized and not being able to say anything..i mean thats a shitty position to be in...

In her criticisms about not doing as much..there is some accuracy to it, i admit it...and i will make it better..but i can never be on top of things 24/7 all the time every second..i just cant..no one can...because no one is perfect...there are gonna be times when i walk right by a sink w/ dishes in it not thinking anything of it..and there are gonna be times when i walk by a sink of dishes and say *oh there are dishes in the sink..im going to rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher* but for the things i forget to do...the things i remember will make up for them..i might forget to unload the dishwasher but i remembered to change the load in the laundry room..you know, stuff like that...

i was going to tell her all of this when i got back from the hair salon but my sister was over..and they were on their way out...when i walked in i saw my acceptance packet to penn state...i felt good and proud of myself..i was sitting on the bench in the foyer reading my stuff when my mom came down...she didnt even look at me, i said *i got accepted to psu* and she just replied with a cold *i know* and didnt say anything more...

i am glad and proud i got accepted..i am transferring there from hartford...at first it hurt me the way she responded but then i figured *im proud of myself...thats what really counts*

ok well..when she gets back i am going to tell her everything i wrote in here...hopefully things will go smoothly...i understand where she is coming from about what she is upset about..hopefully she can try and understand me...

June 6th 2005 @ 11:27am]

ok..i was watching girl interrupted and there is a quote that really hit home...i think it goes something like this..

*You want to hurt yourself on the outside to kill the thing on the inside.*

how true is that? atleast for me....

I have a favor to ask you [Saturday
June 4th 2005 @ 7:52pm]

anyone reading this?
anyone at all?
hello? are you out there?
if there are people out there who read this journal I want to ask of you a favor
don't worry it's not challenging it will not require much effort but I want to do something I want to make something happen something that will make people question something that will stir peoples soul something that wil reaffirm life
I want to honor my brother
I want to celebrate his birthday
if you want to help me you only need do one thing
find a way to incorperate the numbers "6/9/75" into your day on 6/9/05
if you use LJ or blogspot then put it in your header
if you have a webcam or digicam make a sign and snap it
put it in your yahoo status
leave it on a message board
put it on the windows od your car and snap a pic of it
put it on someone elses car and snap a pic
acknowledge my brothers birthdate and then send me the links as to where I can find it
and then when people ask what it means tell them simply it's the birthdate of someone who deserves being honored
we reaffirm life by celebrating the life of those who know longer dwell with us
light a match and start a fire
get others to do it to and send me their links
I would LOVE to see complete strangers honoring my brother Mark
I don't want 6/9/05 to be just a lil secret shared by frienbds, though if that is what it becomes then so be it
I want to shake the world
He's been gone nearly 4 years
He deserves this

hi! [Saturday
June 4th 2005 @ 2:49pm]

[ mood | geeky ]

Newbie hereCollapse )


June 3rd 2005 @ 7:21pm]

its happening again..and i am so scared

the shame,the guilt,the feeling of worthlessness and regret and weakness everytime i eat something...the way i feel my stomach for rolls..i was never anorexic, infact at one point of my life i was quite the opposite..a year of weightwatchers and exercise has made me lose 60ibs..so currently i weight 145 w/ the height of 5'7...but no matter what, i look/feel fat...people tell me how much weight i lost..how great i look..how i shouldnt lose anymore..but still, everytime i eat..even if its a banana..its like this mean voice yells at me about how fat i am and how i shouldnt eat this this and that..i hate it, and i dont like what im doing to myself...because i know the direction im heading into and i dont wanna be like that..i just wanna be healthy, and i know being healthy doesnt mean starving yourself and obsessively working out...but i cant seem to stop, im becoming deathly afraid of food..i was on this road back in middle school but seemed to get out of it on my own..i dont know what to do, i hardly ate anything today and i feel my stomach rumbling...this has been going on and off for about a year but the past month has been its worst...where i actually have refrained from eating..and it sucks, and i know the harm i am doing to my body..i am going out to dinner and a movie tonight w/ a bunch of friends...we are seeing the movie first then afterwards having dinner but im so scared because two of my friends already already sense that something is wrong and have questioned me but i just brush it off...i know that loving myself means loving my body but everytime i look in the mirror i cant help but criticize it..point at specific areas that need to be thinner...uuggh i hate this..i dont wanna be like this..im going to talk to my therapist about this on tuesday..

June 3rd 2005 @ 3:30pm]

[ mood | creative ]

ok...so reading alot of posts recently got me to thinking about things about the intentions of this community...and i have come up w/ a solution.

when i first created this community i thought to myself *i am not a therapist nor is anyone else thats probably gonna be apart of this, therefore we shouldn't practice actual therapy on each other like a psychologist would do because it is unethical if we dont have a license blah blah blah blah* (yea im a psych major)

But as more people are joining im beginning to think that a support community is not a support community unless we as members dont offer well....support.

support isnt necessarily whipping up an entry about your problems and then people leaving comments about how sorry they are and stuff...i mean dont get me wrong, those kinds of comments are indeed helpful and i encourage them...but i was wondering if it is possible to somehow incorporate problem solving as well as comments such as mentioned...

i thought of this because i have been to support groups for depression and stress management...the first one i went to consisted of six different girls and a councilour meeting once a week and everyone woulld go around and say what they have been up to..how they have been feeling...some people would start crying, people would get angry, and everyone else listening would offer words of support like *oh im so sorry, i hope things get better we are here for you* and yes, all that is very good..but in the end, the person still felt the same way about their situations...they still felt like shit about themselves and so on...

the second group i went to which was an outpatient program at a hospital consisted of that as well...but it also took a problem solving approach to it too..which was alot more beneficial....

dont get me wrong..im not demanding this become strictly problem solving..i guess what im saying is that im asking for feedback from you guys on what you think of this..you obviously joined this community reasons being that you went through or are currently going through some type of trauma and want support and understanding...so i guess the best thing to do as your mod is to just present this to you guys and hear what the community thinks of it...i know that i am no position what so ever to act as a therapist.nor is anyone else, but i think that we are all in a position where we take little things from what he learned or are learning from our issues and present them to the other person....anyway, im done pondering..lemme know what you guys think.

also..i created this community because i myself am in the recovery process from depression,ptsd,anxiety,self mutilation,alcholism,low self esteem,self doubt etc...this community is something that i use to help myself as well as to find comfort in seeing people help each other and help themselves...so yea, just wanted to add that.

Your Mod,


intro survey [Friday
June 3rd 2005 @ 5:20pm]

[ mood | tired ]

1. Name: desi
2. Age: 24
more under here.Collapse )


Painfully Exposed [Thursday
June 2nd 2005 @ 7:57pm]

[ mood | dark ]

you make me want to cover my head with plastic and breathe in...Collapse )


Dr Phil Wannabe Is In The House [Thursday
June 2nd 2005 @ 7:11pm]

One of the rules gave me reason for concern and I wanted to pursue it before any ugliness issued from a misconception.

I joined this list primarly because I am a Psych major who likes to help - however I come very much from the Dr.Phil school of Psychlogy in that I belive in "telling it like it is". Most of my freinds come to me for advice and tell me that I am tough but fair - and usually quite helpful.

All of that said I do not wish my presence to be a problem for those here, and if my style would be too abrupt I will gladly walk away now, before feelings get hurt. The thing is I can't be anyone other then who I am - and I can't watch others suffer without trying to intervene...

June 1st 2005 @ 4:16pm]

[ mood | calm ]

these daily thought records really help....

LoL i am reading and doing the exercises in my self esteem workbook and one of them is to spend everyday for two weeks taking time to write down a situation that triggers self criticism, distorted thoughts that produce negative feelings towards myself..then i label the distortions and write down alternative positive statements that talk back to the thoughts that produce feelings of worthlessness and such..im finding that it is really helping....also, if any of you are interested here is a book that i strongly recommend for people..its called "Feeling Good" by David Burns...trust me this is not some pop psychology from a bullshit con artist...this book is based on studies done about the effectiveness of cognitive therapy in treating depression,negative thoughts,low self esteem,anxiety...everything...im reading it right now and its really good so far so next time ur in barnes and noble or borders..skim through some pages if u want, cuz it is a good book..

self help books are good..its the bullshit pop psychology self help books written by ppl who have no idea what they are talking about that give these kinds of books a bad name....but this book is even recommended by cognitive therapists and psychiatrists as well..

ok, gonna go shower now cuz im smelly from the gym..i hope everyone is doing okay today...remember: recovery takes one day at a time..and if anyone wants to talk feel free to im me.


I never got over this one. [Wednesday
June 1st 2005 @ 12:55am]

[ mood | angry ]

I watch the veil obscure her face
And wonder when I let her fall
When our friendship was no longer enough to keep her here

I wonder how many times I said I loved her
and she just said "I know"
Apparently love isnt enough anymore-
Or maybe she just couldnt admit she didnt understand.

I wonder why I didn'y stop her
When I saw what she did to herself
Maybe I thought the pain would bring her back
I dont know

I wonder why I never said a word to anyone
Why I thought it wasn't my place
I called it loyalty
The ultimate betrayal
Betrayal of the sacred bonds of friendship
Friends should protect each other-
Even from themselves.
and I didnt
what kind of friend am I?

(three month anniversary of Kayla's death)


So..... [Tuesday
May 31st 2005 @ 9:01am]

[ mood | grrrr ]

Sometimes I feel like everyone's pretending to listen.
In fact, no one hears a single thing that I say.
I get questioned, poked and prodded...
and I don't understand why because I find my words to be
blatantly obvious.
I'm not going to disect my words for anyone,
or try to find another hidden meaning.
I mean what I say, I take the time to say it.
So you should fucking take the time to listen to me.

May 28th 2005 @ 7:59pm]

new layout!!! finally found the one that i thought looked good!!! woohoo!!!

painfully exposed [Monday
May 30th 2005 @ 5:41pm]

1. Name: anastasia (yeah thats my real name)
2. Age: 17
3. Where are you from? grandrapids mi
4. How did you hear about this community? i was searching for a type of supportive place- anything really- anybody that might understand
5. Give in a small summary what exactly you are dealing with: I feel like Im slowly losing myself as i watch more and more of my friends drift away, and i dont remember anything that i used to dream of. Its nothing real- nothing clinical- I just dont understand it and i was hoping someone else would
6. How long have you been going through this? since around october of 2003 thats when my journals started to get darker
7. What are some coping strategies you have done in the past to help you deal? no, i play water polo, so i didnt have the time or energy to actually try to deal with anything
8. If some of these strategies are destructive, please describe what you get out of them.
9. What are your goals in life? i want to help people- im going to school to be pre-med
10. Why did you join this community and what do you plan to get out of it? i guess i was hoping people would listen to me.
11. Tell us a little about yourself..these can include hobbies,favorite movies, a funny story..whatever you want: i play water polo, just graduated from grandville high school, always go to open mic night at morningstar
12. Name one song that best describes what you are feeling right now: distressed
13. Do you wanna wake up tomorrow? Id really rather fall asleep tonight...i dont do much of that anymore
14. And finally..post a picture of yourself so we can all ooh and ahh at how beautiful you are!!!! If you don't have a picture of yourself then post a picture or poem that best describes you. ill have to give one later because my parents want me to help with dinner

hi all.

May 29th 2005 @ 3:14pm]

I'm sorry, all! I'm such a lousy co-mod, I've been away for a few days, and I never even mentioned it!!!

Anyways, on to reading what's going on here :)

Welcome, new members!

May 28th 2005 @ 6:14pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]

long entry that i needed to get out of my systemCollapse )


May 28th 2005 @ 11:55am]

[ mood | geeky ]

so guys...it all comes down to three different layout i found:

~two of them are angelina jolie layouts from girl interrupted, i remember one of em has her standing infront of the ice cream man and shes says *and......cherries* (if u saw the movie you know what im talking about) the other is...well i cant remember, but its from girl interrupted so yea..

the other is a picture of a random girl half naked and its all black and purple and it has the headline *im not perfect* on it...

i cant decide...and im also in the process of looking for more...

ALSO~ big welcome to our two newest members and one of them being the first male to join!! so yaaay!!!!


May 28th 2005 @ 10:15am]

[ mood | blank ]

Hello.  I would just like to introduce myself.  I have been watching this community for some time, and just now I have finally joined as a member.  So... here are my stats.  >:}

New Member SurveyCollapse )


painfully exposed [Friday
May 27th 2005 @ 6:44pm]

I'm sorry :( only in the group 1 day and already messed up. Lets start off on the right foot shall we? and I'll do my best to not make my answers too abstract 1. Name: Mike 2. Age: 27 3. Where are you from? Delaware 4. How did you hear about this community? did a search for communities dealing with depression 5. Give in a small summary what exactly you are dealing with: small suymmary eh? I'm a high functioning autistic adult(think aspergers) which led to anxiety and depression starting in my teen years 6. How long have you been going through this? I've been autistic since birth depression started when I was 12 7. What are some coping strategies you have done in the past to help you deal? music writing singing locking myself in a dark quiet room, avoiding situatios which overide my system with stimuli(auditory seems to effect me the most) 8. If some of these strategies are destructive, please describe what you get out of them. 9. What are your goals in life? to live to love and to learn and maybe someday to not be afraid 10. Why did you join this community and what do you plan to get out of it? I just sometimes feel like I'm alone and I don't like that feeling. Even though I am married I am not always sure my wife understands where I'm at or whatI am going through during the rough spots 11. Tell us a little about yourself..these can include hobbies,favorite movies, a funny story..whatever you want: I'm just me I love to sing I enjoy writing I like being funny and making folks laugh I miss my brother he died 4 years ago which I also belive has taken a toll on my mentality but above all I'm all about love which I believe is avalible to any who needs it 12. Name one song that best describes what you are feeling right now: DO you know how hard a question that is? "the patient" by Tool 13. Do you wanna wake up tomorrow? tomorrow doesn't exsist all we have is right now 14. And finally..post a picture of yourself so we can all ooh and ahh at how beautiful you are!!!! If you don't have a picture of yourself then post a picture or poem that best describes you. I'm not even sure how to post a pic on here :(

please allow me to introduce myself,,,, I've got a social disease [Friday
May 27th 2005 @ 5:03pm]

in love
dying(aren't we all?)

May 27th 2005 @ 2:55pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

this saddens me that our membership status is not growing...maybe its just the fact that this community is still new? i mean i only made it two weeks ago....so hopefully thats what it is..anyway, im right now looking for a new layout for this community to make it look better becuz i am very limited in my knowledge of css stuff and overrides so i have no clue how to design my own layout...basically what i found so far were two girl interrupted ones that i thought would be very appropriate..but im still searching for any better options...im also gonna try and promote more and also if u guys could promote that'd be awesome too!


Yay! [Thursday
May 26th 2005 @ 8:36pm]


Tomorrow I leave for Syracuse w/ a girlfriend, and I'm so looking forward to it.  I love spending time w/ Shaun and all, but I haven't gotten out much lately, done things w/ people w/o a penis.  It'll be nice to be w/ another vagina, just hanging around, shopping (we are going to a wedding on Saturday), drinking, socializing.  I can't wait.

I feel lonely though, here at the apartment.  And I get bored alot too.  Fucking shitty assed NY weather, I swear...I hope Syracuse weather is better for this wkend, perhaps I'll check.  The weather gets me down alot, I let it get to me too much.  But I can't help it, if it's cold and rainy out, I'm usually cranky and miserable.  It's been miserable since Sunday, and here it is, Thursday night.  Fucking blows. 

Oh well, hopefully I'll have tons of stories for everyone when I get back, and hopefully some pictures will follow shortly.



May 26th 2005 @ 4:07pm]

Burning Bright - Shinedown

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

May 24th 2005 @ 10:52am]

[ mood | awake ]

WARNING: This is a long ass journal entry that i typed from my long hand journal...its also triggering, so please read with caution..i wrote this on sunday night when i was like...in a really fucked up state of mind (that happens to me alot lately) i thought it would be therapeutic to post here....

Read more...Collapse )


May 23rd 2005 @ 6:04pm]

[ mood | cold ]

I made this:

© Help us we need it©

Your not alone

Everyday should be Suicide Awareness Day.

if u want the code e-mail me at heart_of_ice_46@hotmail.com i can't figure out how to put the code here
PS: i'm really sorry if i shouldn't have posted this here

May 22nd 2005 @ 1:30pm]

[ mood | determined ]

Hello i just wanted to tell u all about my website.

My site is here to raise awareness on many topics such as:

  • Rape
  • Abuse
  • Suicide
  • Self-Injury
  • PTSD

And other topics like that.

if ur interested plz check it out at http://groups.msn.com/Awareness46/

U can join if u'd like :D

thanks for reading this even if u dont check it out


May 20th 2005 @ 1:53pm]

[ mood | calm ]

so...reading the entries today got me to asking one question:

Why are we all so hard on ourselves to the point where we constantly blame ourselves and put ourselves down and destroy our bodies whenever something goes wrong?

Now I cant speak for everyone, but i know for me its because i am a perfectionist..its constantly in my mind to be the perfect everything..perfect student, perfect friend,perfect daughter,perfect girlfriend,perfect everything....(this mainly stems from childhood growing up with a father who was emotionally and physically abusive with nothing ever good enough for him)...and if something goes wrong, its my fault..and as a result of it thinking its my fault..i turn to the knife,the bottle, the joint, because i am not good enough...i am worthless...i fucked up, im a failure blah blah blah

but one day someone said something to me that really makes sense: you dont have control over what people say or do to you....you dont have control over anything except yourself...and your feelings...so stop blaming yourself for what others have done to you because its not your fault...seriously, for those of us that were abused: did we ask to be abused? no....did we do anything to deserve the abuse? HELL NO...we had no control over it...

if a boyfriend broke up with us..is it right to blame ourselves and harm ourselves to self medicate the problem? seriously? is anyone in the entire world EVER WORTH us getting drunk over or cutting ourselves over? seriously...no!!! when it comes to our health (mental and physical) we cannot compromise that no matter what...

just a little rant i decided to write about....glad i got it outta my system...


May 19th 2005 @ 4:44pm]

[ mood | tired ]

1. Name: Regina
2. Age: 15(on july 5)
3. Where are you from? MD
4. Give in a small summary what exactly you are dealing with: well i have PTSD, depression, add, & i might have bi-polar disorder
5. How long have you been going through this? PTSD&Depression= since i was 8, ADD &BPD=2004
6. What are some coping strategies you have done in the past to help you deal? Cutting, burning, beating myself up, drawing, poetry, writeing, singing (good coping skills)
7. If some of these strategies are destructive, please describe what you get out of them. i get a relief from life
8. What are your goals in life? be 100-115lbs, be an egyptologist or own a bar, or be a photographer
9. Why did you join this community and what do you plan to get out of it? support
10. Tell us a little about yourself..these can include hobbies,favorite movies, a funny story..whatever you want: i love photography, i've tried to commit suicide in various ways since i was 8, i'm a twin (i'm younger by 3 minutes), i'm the youngest in my family and i have 4 siblings (including my twin)
11. Name one song that best describes what you are feeling right now: wounded by Good charlotte
12. Do you wanna wake up tomorrow? No
13. And finally..post a picture of yourself so we can all ooh and ahh at how beautiful you are!!!! If you don't have a picture of yourself then post a picture or poem that best describes you.
heres a pic of me from march (i was in disney world my sister took this pic)  be prepared to close ur eyes  its ugly and i edited it

i have poems that i wrote at http://www.postpoems.com/members/lostandbrokenregina/ 


comod/promo/sshhh/ [Thursday
May 19th 2005 @ 9:41am]

promo...keepin it quiet!!!Collapse )

May 18th 2005 @ 2:19pm]

Since everyone did one but me so far (how bad am i? i dont even follow my own rules) i think its only fair to post this..
1. Name: Lea
2. Age: 18
3. Where are you from? South Jersey
4. Give in a small summary what exactly you are dealing with: PTSD, depression, self mutilation problems,alcohole,recovering from child abuse,suicidal thoughts,weight issues (distorted body image),recovering from a bad break up,parents divorce...
5. How long have you been going through this? for about five years now..although the depression started a month ago.
6. What are some coping strategies you have done in the past to help you deal? writing,driving around,listening to music,and used to be drinking and cutting
7. If some of these strategies are destructive, please describe what you get out of them. i havent drank or cut in a month now...and i dont plan to do it ever again because i am getting help for it...but when i drank it was to forget about my problems and when i was drunk i did..however we all know that we cant stay drunk forever so eventually i sobered up and my problems just came back to me..making me feel more depressed. The cutting was something I did as a way to be like *i will hurt myself before my dad will ever hurt me again* but pretty soon it was because the pain inside was sooo overwhelming that i took it out on my body as a release.
8. What are your goals in life? To transfer schools and start fresh....get my Phd in psych and become a successful psychologist...loving myself and being happy with who i am....eventually getting married and raising a family of my own (but thats not gonna happen for a LLLLLLLOOONNG TIME)
9. Why did you join this community and what do you plan to get out of it? I made this community because I felt like this would be a good way to get my disorders out of my system..im gonna quote from girl interrupted *get it out of you..put it in your notebook..just get it out of you..talk about it* I know that how I am right now is not who i am normally and though I am in the process of recovery, I think this community will be a great way for finding other people outside of my support groups who would help each other..
10. Tell us a little about yourself..these can include hobbies,favorite movies, a funny story..whatever you want: i am a theatre nut, and plan to get back into it when i transfer because that is also very theraputic for me...i love to shop,my favorite band of all time is incubus and my favorite musical of all time is rent..i have a lot of favorite movies that i cant really put em all here, and sushi is my favorite food in the world..
11. Name one song that best describes what you are feeling right now: "Will I?" from the musical rent...
12. Do you wanna wake up tomorrow? yes...despite all the shit around me, i dont wanna give up on life..
13. And finally..post a picture of yourself so we can all ooh and ahh at how beautiful you are!!!! If you don't have a picture of yourself then post a picture or poem that best describes you.Image hosted by Photobucket.com
thats me with my long hair..photobucket wasnt letting me upload the updated one..but i pretty much look the same..just shorter hair :)

unpainfully overexposed and underrated. [Wednesday
May 18th 2005 @ 2:13pm]

I can't say I'm doing too badly right now. My sister's relationship drives me bizerk, I'll copy and paste an entry I wrote about it in herrre...as a sort of icebreaker, I suppose. I don't have much stress in my own life, only the stress that other people give me. I care entirely too much about other people, even complete strangers.

WARNING extremely long WARNINGCollapse )
The first of very many lame and long Co-Mod Stacey posts.

May 18th 2005 @ 1:59pm]

ok so if you really dont want to title every entry that i guess its okay...as long as you read the rules which i know u did so its all good...

welcome everyone :) since this community is just getting started and you all are the first bunch to join please please try to promote!!!! thanx!!

Painfully Exposed [Wednesday
May 18th 2005 @ 11:48am]

Uh - do we really have to title every entry this way?

Survey responsesCollapse )

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