angelofmusic07 (angelofmusic07) wrote in mypainexposed,

its happening again..and i am so scared

the shame,the guilt,the feeling of worthlessness and regret and weakness everytime i eat something...the way i feel my stomach for rolls..i was never anorexic, infact at one point of my life i was quite the opposite..a year of weightwatchers and exercise has made me lose currently i weight 145 w/ the height of 5'7...but no matter what, i look/feel fat...people tell me how much weight i great i i shouldnt lose anymore..but still, everytime i eat..even if its a banana..its like this mean voice yells at me about how fat i am and how i shouldnt eat this this and that..i hate it, and i dont like what im doing to myself...because i know the direction im heading into and i dont wanna be like that..i just wanna be healthy, and i know being healthy doesnt mean starving yourself and obsessively working out...but i cant seem to stop, im becoming deathly afraid of food..i was on this road back in middle school but seemed to get out of it on my own..i dont know what to do, i hardly ate anything today and i feel my stomach rumbling...this has been going on and off for about a year but the past month has been its worst...where i actually have refrained from eating..and it sucks, and i know the harm i am doing to my body..i am going out to dinner and a movie tonight w/ a bunch of friends...we are seeing the movie first then afterwards having dinner but im so scared because two of my friends already already sense that something is wrong and have questioned me but i just brush it off...i know that loving myself means loving my body but everytime i look in the mirror i cant help but criticize it..point at specific areas that need to be thinner...uuggh i hate this..i dont wanna be like going to talk to my therapist about this on tuesday..
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