phreak_7 (phreak_7) wrote in mypainexposed,

what's wrong with me?

Ok I want to admit something to you all but do to the nature of the post


I've got a fixartion on death. I have had for a long time it scares me but yet I acticly think avbout it and read about it. I've looked at photo's of death and I've even visited LJ's of people who are gone. I often wonder, sometimes to the point of anxiety how I am going to die. I've pretty much settled on heart attack to my size and my family history. My fixation has gotten worse since Mark's death. I just today had something confirmed that I found out a few weeks ago. A friend of mine died 4 years ago of course I haven't spoken to her in the last 10 years cause she insisted I not contact her for reasons which are unknown to me even still. I feel a ned to know how she died like intricate details I want to read obituraries I wonder about what it would've been like if we were still friends. I wonder how I would've felt if we were close still when she died. Some might call it a morbid fascination and I hope that's not what it is really :( But the truth is I have no idea what's wrong weith me and why I can't let go of death. It scares me so much and yet I still activly learn all I can about it. What is wrong with me?


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