phreak_7 (phreak_7) wrote in mypainexposed,
phreak_7
phreak_7
mypainexposed

Proove to me you're crazy

I don't have many friends part of that is because I generally hate most people. Most people are ignorant, they don't use half their brain their life is centered around stupid and selfish persuits of power and sex and I just don't understand the mentality. Human beings on the whole suck there are exceptions but the race is still failing to meet it's expectations. Look at us we still judge we still hate we still believe that everyone needs to think and act like we do. When I do make a friend it is not superficial it's a connection that I make on many levels. The few friends I do make I make for life and I don't allow petty disputes to get in the way of that friendship. I don't hold grudges I don't keep score. If you are my friend if I have called you a friend that's not something that will ever ever change. I could be pissed off at you for 2 weeks straight but after I get over my lil tirade or even DURING said tirade if you needed me I'd be there for you. All I ask in return is complete acceptence of who I am quirks and all.

Not long ago a new friend questioned the validity of something that I had told them. I am an open book and I am not afraid of letting people see all that there is about me. This includes the fact that I am autistic. Obviously though being high functioning(and a methoud trained actor) I can hide the autism very well. Most people wouldn't even know I was autistic unless I told them. THis causes some to question the validity of the diagnosis esp[ecually well meaning friends who wish for me to feel better about myself. There have been sevral times in the past when I have heard the words "maybe you're not REALLY autistic" or other variations of the theme. Again I know they mean well but they are making a judgement call after only spending part of their time with me. I am not sure you could get a real gauge of a person's personality make-up from chat conversations and a few phone calls. This statement usually makes way for a very uncomfortable situation in which I feel like I am fighting for the validity of my disorder. I feel as if I am defending my right to be mentially askew as if I were proud of my tainted mind. I'm not proud of being a high functioning autistic with symptoms akeen to aspergers syndrome but I am not ashamed of it either. It is a part of who I am and it has shaped the way I have grown as a person. By trying to rob me of this people are inadvertibly trying to discount the road I have had to travel to get to where I am in my station in life. This bugs me to know end you don't question the validity of an amputee. You never question whether someone is really deaf. SO why when it's a mental disorder that's not as extreme as schizophrenia(sp?) or retardation does it become a fight to defend the disorder. I'm autistic it was a diagnosis made when I was very young and contrary to popular belief it's not something you grow out of whejn you become an adult. I know that the media doesn't like talking about autistic adults but we're here living amongst you some in secret. All with out own distorted quirky way of viewing life.

Being autistic is like living in a box. the box alters the way you see things and the way you judge them. It filters the way you hear things not audibly but in it's inturpitation. Being autistic is like having 7 tape recorders going all at once ewach with different dialouge, being faced with the challenge of deciphering what it is you hear off of each tape cause each contains information that you willl NEED. Autism is a great sense of overwhelment simple conversations, dicisions. situations involving socialibility are not simply part of everyday life. They are isolated moments moments that I have to prepare for, moments that I have to ease into and then moments that I hafve to clense myself from when they are done. ask me how my day is going,,,,,,, which version do you want? I could go on and on but you get the idea. The worst is when you attempt to discribe HOW you are disabled which again without preparation beforhand is very very difficult to do. Then they tell you "well normal people are like that too"

Sometimes I so want to come out of my shell and bask in the sunshine of life but life dissappoints me everytime. Am I better then the rest of the world? no, just different and I am tired of the rest of the world not being able to simply accept that difference.
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